I’m feeling a bit stuck for what to write. It’s like I’ve got no-one to talk to. All my friends are also at least partly friends with my wife, and the stuff I have brewing inside me is about the details, the nitty gritty of our relationship – our sex life, monogamy, and desperate hopes we can find a way to work it out.
Contrasting this is the sense that I’m gradually making my life better, that there is no part of this that the Goddess doesn’t embrace. I’m writing more on my book, reading more, singing more.
So I’m trying something new, I’m going to pick the photo that goes with this ‘story’ before I write it and see what my subconscious wanted to say when it was drawn to this picture.
The picture is of a yellow flower, in the foreground with a beautiful background, standing alone, above the others, with a bee on it. It’s like I’m out in the air, not surrounded by support and community, but all alone in a quest for my true life, my right life, that seems like a walk all alone. It feels intense, colourful, and lonely. I feel beautiful and soulful and lonely.
My wife and I have been sleeping apart, but have a more emotionally intimate connection when we are together, which is I think in part because of something I’m doing. I was reading this relationship book (I’ve been reading a lot of those lately) and it suggested ‘getting into the puddle’ of experience with your partner. Making a conscious attempt to attune with how she is doing without trying to change it. So if she’s wrapped up in something and I feel ignored, I can sit next to her and have empathy for what she’s getting out of it. Or if she’s tired or upset , I can synch up with her and connect. I don’t feel as alone, and she connects with me without feeling like I’m demanding she does so. It’s kind of hard to describe. When I do it, I feel more connected to her, and she seems to connect with me more. So I feel less alone. She’s not a big talker, so trying to initiate a conversation didn’t do much to make us feel intimate, but this kind of energetic intimacy seems to open a door.
I’m feeling kind of okay with us splitting up, provided we stay connected in some way. I know of couples who stay partners and family in some senses, even after they are no longer a couple. I know she’s thinking about our relationship, and is finally motivated to get her hormones sorted out, I’m just not sure if we can turn things around. We have a deal and the first step is her trying to get her hormones sorted. I’ve gotten used to the idea of creating my life from scratch again, and I’m kind of looking forward to it. I’m not sure if I want to be stuck in another, slightly better version of the stagnation we’ve had, but at the same time I don’t want to give up the moments.