Growing to do.

Today, my email sent me a notification about the post I posted yesterday. It included the full text, and my first thought was fear in case my ex read it. Not just because of her reaction, but also because I don’t want hurt her.

She has some poor behaviour based in her own gunk, and that’s not a fit for me, but she’s not a horrible person, and she has some crushing life circumstances. That’s part of why I didn’t leave. I made excuses for her because of how hard her life is right now, and I didn’t want to kick her while she was down.

She said, if you are going to leave, leave. Don’t stay because I’m hurting. And yet it felt like a shitty thing to do to someone you love.  But I needed to act from my own truth as well, I can be kind but she didn’t want my kindness, she wanted me to be all in, and I couldn’t be, not on the terms offered.

I would like to be single for awhile. I’d like to keep my own truth inside me, anchor it so I can feel whole and certain of who I am again. I’ve got some growing to do.

Writing what I wrote yesterday was helpful to me. I did have more emotional release, and putting together the inner child piece was a big part of that. It feels okay to acknowledge that I got confused, and that I’m sorry for not supporting her/myself in how I feel and what I needed sooner.

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