Reliable, Reassuring and REAL

So I’m waiting for ‘the talk’ – the conversation where I am likely going to be very firm about what I need in a relationship and she is going to say – naw. And I’ll need to walk away. Thanks 2020. I”m pre-grieving. I don’t hold out much hope it will go other than badly. I wish I could.

I can’t really blame 2020, it’s not like this hasn’t happened a bunch before. I have to say that this is one of the quickest runs I’ve done of it, though. To realize, oh, this relationship is unbalanced, she’s not into me enough to want an actual equal relationship, I need to fix it or end it. At this point I’m not liking my chances of the former. However, I have to make the effort, to give the Goddess one chance to redeem herself, to let me know that I haven’t loved in  vain. Okay, I’ve written some songs. That was good. And the likelihood that I’ll run into her in my social circles seems to be fairly slim, so there’s that.

Why is it that I end up choosing these women who appear to be quite into me at first and then they get all wierd and selfish and mean?

I listened to a podcast today that I thought was quite good, on imbalanced relationships. The counsellor presenter said that at a minimum relationships should be reliable, reassuring and real. A ‘real’ relationship is one where the person really wants to share their life with you – have you meet their friends and family and to meet yours, have you in their home, life, activities and vice versa. A real, normal relationship is where the person is enthusiastic about sharing their life with you, having you be part of it, and being part of yours.

My current girlfriend and probably future ex really hesitated to have me over to her home – she was worried about ‘protecting her solitude’ – this was such a red flag. Yikes, SDW! I’ve been there once in the six months we’ve been dating. She said it wasn’t as bad as she thought, it would be. We actually had a nice time, but she has not invited me back. She has met very few of my friends, she won’t ride in my car and she doesn’t want anything to do with me monday to friday. This is the textbook definition of ‘not real’. The counsellor said that if any of these three are missing, you will feel insecure, and rightfully so, and it’s not sustainable. He also said that reassurance should be freely, generously and warmly offered whenever you want or need it, period.

Reliable, she has. So, one and a half for three.

He started by setting the stage for how we get into these types of imbalanced relationships – he said those of us who had to be especially attentive and compliant as children to survive are set up for this type of relationship – basically those who have had to fawn, because (and I’m adding this in) we are too nice to people who aren’t nice enough to us. He also said that these kinds of relationships start when we are having a difficult time, when we are vulnerable. It’s true, that basically all of these types of relationships have started when I was not 100% on my game.

There was Christine, who I chased when I was lonely and touch hungry, having been in a neglectful marriage (with someone I loved and missed) for about a decade at that point – we were polyamorous so it was above board, but still, I put up with way too much crap and indifference from her, because I just wanted to be happy again. Same for Marnie – who had ten other partners, and on our date every two weeks or so, made no effort to be affectionate.  Then there was Marlene, who was completely unreliable – always late for dates, always making me wait and then disappointing me. And the worst was of course Donna, with whom I connected after my marriage finally broke up. I have got to stop doing this. I have got to have standards. I have got to say no to not real, not reliable or not reassuring.

So maybe this is my lesson now, to stand up for my self sooner, and to require real, reassuring and reliable. And maybe, just maybe, I’ll learn the signs now so that I stand up for myself a lot sooner. It’s likely too later for this round, but maybe the next one.

Here’s that podcast. I hope it helps you too:

Photo credit: Photo by Brendan Church on Unsplash