Are you avoidant and want to heal it?
Traits of an avoidant attachment style
• It’s not easy for you to name and express your feelings
• You’re fear losing your independence in a relationship
• You feel people often let you down
• You’re uncomfortable asking for help (and don’t trust people will come through)
• You feel relationships are a lot of work and you’re not sure it’s worth it
• You believe most people you date want to get close too quickly
• You need a lot of space in a relationship (source)
Avoidantly attached constantly sabotage or leave relationships – they aren’t motivated to stay connected, they don’t talk about their feelings, and they aren’t comfortable supporting others with theirs feelings, except in very defined situations. They can appear quite callous and will push partners away. They are proud of being independent, think relationships are a lot of work and not worth the effort. This can be really painful to their partners.
A lot of survivors are avoidant, because it comes from neglect. I started out avoidant, and now after a lot of therapy and a long term relatively secure relationship, I’m more on the anxious side of secure, which truly is an improvement. I used to feel numb and guilty all the time, like people constantly wanted things from me I couldn’t give. It was almost impossible to be up front with others about my needs, particularly if I thought expressing them would lead to conflict. High intensity conflict still is intolerable to me. If you had to cope with stuff without much empathy or support from caregivers, then, like me, you were set up to be avoidant. The way to heal that is to learn to identify, validate and communicate about your own feelings, vulnerabilities and needs and learn to ask for help. Here are some good basic resources on how to change: Resource one , Resource two