The story of a woman waiting for her sociopath father to die so she can dance on his grave, and having a rich fulfilling life in the meanwhile.
I realize that reading a blog sometimes gets a bit disorienting, since facts referred to can be from earlier posts. Here’s an overview.
I survived sexual abuse from my father, beginning when I was about 5 years old and lasting till I was about 14, when a growing awareness that I might tell forced my father to move on, to whom I don’t know.
I was raped and strangled into unconsciousness, the first time at least. During the time of writing this blog, I discovered that my injuries had been such that my mother must have known. She has always claimed she knew nothing, which I’ve come to realize is impossible given the injuries I suffered.
For many years, all I had were memories of the attacks and the aftermath to prove to myself that it had all actually happened. More recently I have physical evidence. The evidence was there all along, written on my body.
My father was reported to the police when I was 21, over 20 years ago. They investigated and found enough evidence to charge him. I decided not to press charges because I felt that the price to me to obtain what tiny justice is meted out to abusers was too high. I have two brothers but am not sure if iether of them was abused directly, although both are of course affected by living in a home where abuse was present, whether they knew or not.
My family believes me, and my mother finally left my father several years ago now.
I am a woman now in her 50s, although I was in my 40s when I wrote much of the story here. I am smart, capable and successful in my job. I don’t have kids. I have been healing for 30 years, and I want to tell those of you new to healing the abuse that every minute has been worth it. Every minute I am better, stronger and more free, not just of the effects of the abuse, but of our cultures stupid and harmful values around children, parents and women, and more the woman the gods intend me to be.
I spend most of my time living my life now, rather than surviving it. Some things you don’t fully ‘get over’ and child sexual abuse is one of them. The battles I have fought in my life have made me a strong and powerful woman. People who think that one should forgive and forget are idiots. That would be a waste of hard won lessons and learnings, and would make what happened more meaningless to us than it already is.
I am still affected by post traumatic stress at times but in ways that are familiar to me and possible to manage. I have had a lot of very useful therapy and was a therapist myself for a time. My Pagan faith has been critical in my healing, as I know higher powers of various sorts have been to other survivors.
I am of varied cultural background, including Scottish, and am a religious Pagan of the feminist variety. I draw my strength from my heritage and my faith. From my Scottish heritage and Pagan spiritual beliefs, I have drawn on the practice of dancing a sword dance at the death of an enemy.
Since I will likely not be present at the death of my abuser, I plan to do this sword dance at his grave site. to banish him from my life, to ritually deny him the ancestor worship practised in my faith, and to celebrate my victory over him in outliving him. I celebrate my power and achievement in healing from what he did. Like the hero of a fairy tale, I have struck out on my own away from my abusive family, had adventures, undertaken sacred heroic tasks, gone into the monster’s lair and symbolically stolen the golden harp or silver sword that is the reward for bravery and perseverence. It is only fitting I honour a hero’s journey with a heros dance of exhaltation.
I also will dance to demonstrate the proper attitude to have toward child abusers and survivors, and the proper way to support survivors, by celebrating our courage, not with pity or condescension. We are all warriors and may we all live to dance on their graves. Since I began telling people I plan to do this dance, I’ve gotten a lot of support, and several people, including some relatives, have told me they are available to witness the dance.
My father/abuser is, sadly, still alive. He has had several bouts of life threatening illness, but he seems to be unbelievably hardy. He lives in Northern BC and the police are aware of him. However, time is on my side. I sometimes joke he is a vampire, since he’s so hard to kill, but I think it’s unlikely…
This blog began as a way for me to tell the whole truth, anonymously, about what was going on within me, something I was not able to do in my regular life that often. Since then, I’ve become a lot more open about my history and the strengths I have earned. I think this blog has been a big part of that. I’m comfortable speaking about what happened to me and what I have achieved, and to challenge the denial, minimization and blame that survivors are continually undermined and hurt by. I break silence about incest and the injustice imposed by the cultural restrictions on talking about it. We need to start talking more about the realities of being an incest survivor. We don’t deserve for our pain and courage to be hidden shamefully away – that just adds insult to injury. Incest survivors are some of the bravest people I know.
And I’m one of them.
It means a lot to me that others are reading what I write. Thank you for stopping by.
If you would like to read this blog in chronological order – I suggest going to the archives section of the sidebar and selecting the earliest posts or beginning with the very first one here. Then find and click on the ‘next post’ link at lower right.