sworddancewarrior

I can’t breathe – survivors triggered by world events

A few weeks ago, a man named George Floyd was murdered in another country, by someone crushing his neck without anyone seemingly noticing or caring that he was dying in front of him. Like me, he could not breathe. Like me, he wanted his mother to save him. Like what happened to me, it was a huge betrayal, and yet a mundane and common and invisible evil, present for centuries, just now becoming visible. 

Survivors of Incest Anonymous

SIA has been very helpful to me. It’s an anonymous support group with a good structure for survivors of childhood sexual abuse by a family member or someone known to the family. It’s based on the 12 steps of AA, which focus on personal responsibility, and accepting help from something greater than yourself. This something …

Survivors of Incest Anonymous Read More »

Growing to do.

Today, my email sent me a notification about the post I posted yesterday. It included the full text, and my first thought was fear in case my ex read it. Not just because of her reaction, but also because I don’t want hurt her. She has some poor behaviour based in her own gunk, and …

Growing to do. Read More »

I will not lie to you.

I broke up with a partner recently. We were monogamous. It was awful. Not because we were monogamous, but because – hell I don’t really know, yet, I’m still numb and still and gummed up. I feel broken.

Adult Attachment and Survivors (or – how to have a secure relationship when your childhood sucked) – Part 1

This is a huge topic. Here’s the short version for childhood sexual abuse survivors. When you had parents who severely abused or neglected you, it messes up your ability to be close to a romantic partner. Oh yay, another thing being a survivor has messed up, you say? Well, yes, but the good news is, …

Adult Attachment and Survivors (or – how to have a secure relationship when your childhood sucked) – Part 1 Read More »

Texts and family reunions

I heard back from my mother on my birthday a little while ago. She wished me a happy birthday, in a brief text message.  I was not happy.  I have not replied.

A lot has happened…

The last time I posted here was December 2015. Wow. That’s a long time ago. A lot has happened. The woman I was dating when I last wrote was a terrible human being. I was completely wrong about her. I was in the initial honeymoon of dating a very self-centred person. As I was writing, …

A lot has happened… Read More »

Shitty first drafts

I’m listening to Brene Brown’s book ‘Rising Strong’ right now. I find her work to be very helpful. I could write more about that but I’m trying to get to a point here. I’m in a relationship. A good one. With a woman I love and respect and am very attracted to, all of which …

Shitty first drafts Read More »

Love is not a prize

I am whole I am holy I was born from pain, raised in pain but I overcame I deserve all the love this world can offer I deserve a beautiful life And I will live it I told her of my fears showed her all the things I was afraid would scare her off believing …

Love is not a prize Read More »

The colour purple

Last night my partner decided to watch the Color Purple, a screen adaptation of a book by Alice Walker. This is the 1985 epic movie that made the acting careers of Oprah Winfrey and Whoopi Goldberg. The main character is an incest survivor, having borne two children sired by her own father by the age …

The colour purple Read More »

Vulva – Healing the Physical Effects of Childhood Sexual Assault – Physical Self Care

This post is chock full of triggers. No descriptions of actual abuse, but lots about injured vaginas and what works to make them feel better.  A little bit of religious triggers if reading about Pagan stuff triggers you. Read at your own risk. _________________________________________________________________________ I have one messed up vagina. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. Actually spiritually it is …

Vulva – Healing the Physical Effects of Childhood Sexual Assault – Physical Self Care Read More »

New Year Resolution

So last Saturday I saw my ex girlfriend (Kitten) and her new girlfriend at the bar. It was no big deal. For those who don’t know the back story, she was my partner for 5 months and we broke up mid September. She reminded me a lot of my father / abuser, thankfully not in …

New Year Resolution Read More »