[about the image – no it’s not me, but I am pissed off no one told me what I needed to know about Lichen Sclerosis and let it get this bad. There aren’t a lot of triggers in this post, except one brief mention of a sexual injury having occurred. ] So a few years …
CW: mass murder of children, child sexual assault, systemic racism I am not one of the Canadians who deny that the genocide we inflicted on indigenous people happened. Recently the remains of 215 children were found at one of hundreds of former residential school sites. These schools were sanctioned by the government, and staffed by …
Are you avoidant and want to heal it? Traits of an avoidant attachment style • It’s not easy for you to name and express your feelings• You’re fear losing your independence in a relationship• You feel people often let you down• You’re uncomfortable asking for help (and don’t trust people will come through)• You feel …
Are you avoidantly attached and want to heal it? Read More »
When you have a hammer, everything is a nail… I’m using the lens of attachment style to view interconnections between people everywhere in my life, and am finding it pretty useful. One of the things I’m doing right now is re-examining my dating relationships and partner selection through that lens. I want to figure out …
How to tell someone’s attachment style from their dating profile Read More »
Since shortly after my most recent relationship ended, I have been presented with opportunities to set boundaries with women who want to date me. It’s been illuminating. I realize that up until now, I’ve basically gone out with women (and men, when I was doing that) who had one feature in common – they wanted …
So I think I have a strategy to never date someone avoidantly attached for more than a couple of dates ever again. I’m going to learn how to spot where it goes wrong and stop it right there. I want a certificate that says I will see early and never stay once I realize that …
So I’m waiting for ‘the talk’ – the conversation where I am likely going to be very firm about what I need in a relationship and she is going to say – naw. And I’ll need to walk away. Thanks 2020. I”m pre-grieving. I don’t hold out much hope it will go other than badly. …
Anyone know how to do this? I have a pattern in relationships where I start all competent and confident, knowing and showing how truly awesome I really am, and then after a bit of avoidant shade thrown at me, I put up with crap from partners who seemed so lovely at first, which I would …
How to Keep from Selling Yourself Out in Relationships – Anyone know how to do this? Read More »
This healthy relationship stuff is exhausting, y’all. With all of the pandemic and holiday stress I’m just pretty fried. I’ve been in a relationship with a new human for about 6 months now. Isn’t that when several of my other relationships went to hell, you say? Actually, you aren’t saying it but my unconscious sure …
Earning Secure – Checking assumptions, asking for what I want Read More »
Content warning: sexuality, self pleasure, mention of vaginal injury. I have been doing an experiment this past 30 days or so. Regular readers of this blog will know that I have a vagina injured by a sexual assault when I was a small child, which has resulted in lifelong pain in that region, coming …
I was going to write about the US election, and how the constant state of anxiety and foreboding this week has really dampened my ability to get anything done or to sleep. I feel tired all the time, my shoulders are tense, I am weepy, my usually like clockwork period is a week late (yes, …
TW: mentions a pagan seasonal festival I was just in a cupboard where I keep spiritually significant items, looking for something to put out for Samhain, a Wiccan festival that is coming up. I didn’t find the candle-holder I was looking for, but instead found a large folding knife. The handle has the image of …
Oh my Goddess I hate setting boundaries. It makes me anxious. But do you know what I hate more? Not setting boundaries. I have begun a new relationship. She is wonderful, we are in love and so many of my needs are being met. It feels like this could be a secure relationship. Boundary setting …
I’ve been single for about a year, and have recently started dating someone new. It’s lovely and joyful and I’m happy. I’m pleased with how easy connection is, but I’m still as survivor with a home-built, diy sense of security and self-love, so I need some maintenance. I’ve been getting a lot in recent years …
So most of us who are survivors of childhood sexual assault have a ‘disorganized’ attachment style. This means that because the adults in our lives growing up were scary and abusive, we want to be close to others, but it scares us, so we might bolt or behave badly. Disorganized attachment is sometimes not even …
Love, actually – what I’ve learned in my quest to become securely attached Read More »
A few weeks ago, a man named George Floyd was murdered in another country, by someone crushing his neck without anyone seemingly noticing or caring that he was dying in front of him. Like me, he could not breathe. Like me, he wanted his mother to save him. Like what happened to me, it was a huge betrayal, and yet a mundane and common and invisible evil, present for centuries, just now becoming visible.
SIA has been very helpful to me. It’s an anonymous support group with a good structure for survivors of childhood sexual abuse by a family member or someone known to the family. It’s based on the 12 steps of AA, which focus on personal responsibility, and accepting help from something greater than yourself. This something …
Today, my email sent me a notification about the post I posted yesterday. It included the full text, and my first thought was fear in case my ex read it. Not just because of her reaction, but also because I don’t want hurt her. She has some poor behaviour based in her own gunk, and …