It has to be hazelnut

Since shortly after my most recent relationship ended, I have been presented with opportunities to set boundaries with women who want to date me. It’s been illuminating. I realize that up until now, I’ve basically gone out with women (and men, when I was doing that) who had one feature in common – they wanted …

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Getting your certification

So I think I have a strategy to never date someone avoidantly attached for more than a couple of dates ever again. I’m going to learn how to spot where it goes wrong and stop it right there. I want a certificate that says I will see early and never stay once I realize that …

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Reliable, Reassuring and REAL

So I’m waiting for ‘the talk’ – the conversation where I am likely going to be very firm about what I need in a relationship and she is going to say – naw. And I’ll need to walk away. Thanks 2020. I”m pre-grieving. I don’t hold out much hope it will go other than badly. …

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Foreboding joy

I’ve been single for about a year, and have recently started dating someone new. It’s lovely and joyful and I’m happy. I’m pleased with how easy connection is, but I’m still as survivor with a home-built, diy sense of security and self-love, so I need some maintenance. I’ve been getting a lot in recent years …

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I can’t breathe – survivors triggered by world events

A few weeks ago, a man named George Floyd was murdered in another country, by someone crushing his neck without anyone seemingly noticing or caring that he was dying in front of him. Like me, he could not breathe. Like me, he wanted his mother to save him. Like what happened to me, it was a huge betrayal, and yet a mundane and common and invisible evil, present for centuries, just now becoming visible. 

Survivors of Incest Anonymous

SIA has been very helpful to me. It’s an anonymous support group with a good structure for survivors of childhood sexual abuse by a family member or someone known to the family. It’s based on the 12 steps of AA, which focus on personal responsibility, and accepting help from something greater than yourself. This something …

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Growing to do.

Today, my email sent me a notification about the post I posted yesterday. It included the full text, and my first thought was fear in case my ex read it. Not just because of her reaction, but also because I don’t want hurt her. She has some poor behaviour based in her own gunk, and …

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I will not lie to you.

I broke up with a partner recently. We were monogamous. It was awful. Not because we were monogamous, but because – hell I don’t really know, yet, I’m still numb and still and gummed up. I feel broken.

Adult Attachment and Survivors (or – how to have a secure relationship when your childhood sucked) – Part 1

This is a huge topic. Here’s the short version for childhood sexual abuse survivors. When you had parents who severely abused or neglected you, it messes up your ability to be close to a romantic partner. Oh yay, another thing being a survivor has messed up, you say? Well, yes, but the good news is, …

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