Reliable, Reassuring and REAL

So I’m waiting for ‘the talk’ – the conversation where I am likely going to be very firm about what I need in a relationship and she is going to say – naw. And I’ll need to walk away. Thanks 2020. I”m pre-grieving. I don’t hold out much hope it will go other than badly. …

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Foreboding joy

I’ve been single for about a year, and have recently started dating someone new. It’s lovely and joyful and I’m happy. I’m pleased with how easy connection is, but I’m still as survivor with a home-built, diy sense of security and self-love, so I need some maintenance. I’ve been getting a lot in recent years …

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I can’t breathe – survivors triggered by world events

A few weeks ago, a man named George Floyd was murdered in another country, by someone crushing his neck without anyone seemingly noticing or caring that he was dying in front of him. Like me, he could not breathe. Like me, he wanted his mother to save him. Like what happened to me, it was a huge betrayal, and yet a mundane and common and invisible evil, present for centuries, just now becoming visible. 

Survivors of Incest Anonymous

SIA has been very helpful to me. It’s an anonymous support group with a good structure for survivors of childhood sexual abuse by a family member or someone known to the family. It’s based on the 12 steps of AA, which focus on personal responsibility, and accepting help from something greater than yourself. This something …

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Growing to do.

Today, my email sent me a notification about the post I posted yesterday. It included the full text, and my first thought was fear in case my ex read it. Not just because of her reaction, but also because I don’t want hurt her. She has some poor behaviour based in her own gunk, and …

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I will not lie to you.

I broke up with a partner recently. We were monogamous. It was awful. Not because we were monogamous, but because – hell I don’t really know, yet, I’m still numb and still and gummed up. I feel broken.

Adult Attachment and Survivors (or – how to have a secure relationship when your childhood sucked) – Part 1

This is a huge topic. Here’s the short version for childhood sexual abuse survivors. When you had parents who severely abused or neglected you, it messes up your ability to be close to a romantic partner. Oh yay, another thing being a survivor has messed up, you say? Well, yes, but the good news is, …

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Texts and family reunions

I heard back from my mother on my birthday a little while ago. She wished me a happy birthday, in a brief text message.  I was not happy.  I have not replied.

A lot has happened…

The last time I posted here was December 2015. Wow. That’s a long time ago. A lot has happened. The woman I was dating when I last wrote was a terrible human being. I was completely wrong about her. I was in the initial honeymoon of dating a very self-centred person. As I was writing, …

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Shitty first drafts

I’m listening to Brene Brown’s book ‘Rising Strong’ right now. I find her work to be very helpful. I could write more about that but I’m trying to get to a point here. I’m in a relationship. A good one. With a woman I love and respect and am very attracted to, all of which …

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Love is not a prize

I am whole I am holy I was born from pain, raised in pain but I overcame I deserve all the love this world can offer I deserve a beautiful life And I will live it I told her of my fears showed her all the things I was afraid would scare her off believing …

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