Are you avoidant and want to heal it? Traits of an avoidant attachment style • It’s not easy for you to name and express your feelings• You’re fear losing your independence in a relationship• You feel people often let you down• You’re uncomfortable asking for help (and don’t trust people will come through)• You feel […]
Are you avoidantly attached and want to heal it? Read More »
When you have a hammer, everything is a nail… I’m using the lens of attachment style to view interconnections between people everywhere in my life, and am finding it pretty useful. One of the things I’m doing right now is re-examining my dating relationships and partner selection through that lens. I want to figure out
How to tell someone’s attachment style from their dating profile Read More »
Since shortly after my most recent relationship ended, I have been presented with opportunities to set boundaries with women who want to date me. It’s been illuminating. I realize that up until now, I’ve basically gone out with women (and men, when I was doing that) who had one feature in common – they wanted
It has to be hazelnut Read More »
So I think I have a strategy to never date someone avoidantly attached for more than a couple of dates ever again. I’m going to learn how to spot where it goes wrong and stop it right there. I want a certificate that says I will see early and never stay once I realize that
Getting your certification Read More »
So I’m waiting for ‘the talk’ – the conversation where I am likely going to be very firm about what I need in a relationship and she is going to say – naw. And I’ll need to walk away. Thanks 2020. I”m pre-grieving. I don’t hold out much hope it will go other than badly.
Reliable, Reassuring and REAL Read More »
Anyone know how to do this? I have a pattern in relationships where I start all competent and confident, knowing and showing how truly awesome I really am, and then after a bit of avoidant shade thrown at me, I put up with crap from partners who seemed so lovely at first, which I would
How to Keep from Selling Yourself Out in Relationships – Anyone know how to do this? Read More »
This healthy relationship stuff is exhausting, y’all. With all of the pandemic and holiday stress I’m just pretty fried. I’ve been in a relationship with a new human for about 6 months now. Isn’t that when several of my other relationships went to hell, you say? Actually, you aren’t saying it but my unconscious sure
Earning Secure – Checking assumptions, asking for what I want Read More »
TW: mentions a pagan seasonal festival I was just in a cupboard where I keep spiritually significant items, looking for something to put out for Samhain, a Wiccan festival that is coming up. I didn’t find the candle-holder I was looking for, but instead found a large folding knife. The handle has the image of
Knives – cutting off and keeping open Read More »
Oh my Goddess I hate setting boundaries. It makes me anxious. But do you know what I hate more? Not setting boundaries. I have begun a new relationship. She is wonderful, we are in love and so many of my needs are being met. It feels like this could be a secure relationship. Boundary setting
Boundaries, boundaries, BOUNDARIES Read More »
I’ve been single for about a year, and have recently started dating someone new. It’s lovely and joyful and I’m happy. I’m pleased with how easy connection is, but I’m still as survivor with a home-built, diy sense of security and self-love, so I need some maintenance. I’ve been getting a lot in recent years
So most of us who are survivors of childhood sexual assault have a ‘disorganized’ attachment style. This means that because the adults in our lives growing up were scary and abusive, we want to be close to others, but it scares us, so we might bolt or behave badly. Disorganized attachment is sometimes not even
Love, actually – what I’ve learned in my quest to become securely attached Read More »
Today, my email sent me a notification about the post I posted yesterday. It included the full text, and my first thought was fear in case my ex read it. Not just because of her reaction, but also because I don’t want hurt her. She has some poor behaviour based in her own gunk, and
I broke up with a partner recently. We were monogamous. It was awful. Not because we were monogamous, but because – hell I don’t really know, yet, I’m still numb and still and gummed up. I feel broken.
I will not lie to you. Read More »
This is a huge topic. Here’s the short version for childhood sexual abuse survivors. When you had parents who severely abused or neglected you, it messes up your ability to be close to a romantic partner. Oh yay, another thing being a survivor has messed up, you say? Well, yes, but the good news is,
The last time I posted here was December 2015. Wow. That’s a long time ago. A lot has happened. The woman I was dating when I last wrote was a terrible human being. I was completely wrong about her. I was in the initial honeymoon of dating a very self-centred person. As I was writing,
A lot has happened… Read More »
I am whole I am holy I was born from pain, raised in pain but I overcame I deserve all the love this world can offer I deserve a beautiful life And I will live it I told her of my fears showed her all the things I was afraid would scare her off believing
Love is not a prize Read More »
I had a comment just now asking for resources for partners. I am a survivor and have been involved with women who are survivors. I think that most of this will be applicable to partners of survivors of all genders. Partners will find these posts particularly useful: Car Crash – or what PTSD and complex
Help for Partners of Childhood Sexual Assault Survivors Read More »
The story I wrote about in my last post, where I’d come out to a potential lover as having an injured vagina and she’d reacted in an odd way, has been puzzling me. What was it about that which was so triggering? I figured it out when I was trying to write her an
Coming out as a survivor part 3 – Intimate Relationships with Bystanders and Civilians Read More »