So I’m waiting for ‘the talk’ – the conversation where I am likely going to be very firm about what I need in a relationship and she is going to say – naw. And I’ll need to walk away. Thanks 2020. I”m pre-grieving. I don’t hold out much hope it will go other than badly. …
Anyone know how to do this? I have a pattern in relationships where I start all competent and confident, knowing and showing how truly awesome I really am, and then after a bit of avoidant shade thrown at me, I put up with crap from partners who seemed so lovely at first, which I would …
How to Keep from Selling Yourself Out in Relationships – Anyone know how to do this? Read More »
This healthy relationship stuff is exhausting, y’all. With all of the pandemic and holiday stress I’m just pretty fried. I’ve been in a relationship with a new human for about 6 months now. Isn’t that when several of my other relationships went to hell, you say? Actually, you aren’t saying it but my unconscious sure …
Earning Secure – Checking assumptions, asking for what I want Read More »
TW: mentions a pagan seasonal festival I was just in a cupboard where I keep spiritually significant items, looking for something to put out for Samhain, a Wiccan festival that is coming up. I didn’t find the candle-holder I was looking for, but instead found a large folding knife. The handle has the image of …
Oh my Goddess I hate setting boundaries. It makes me anxious. But do you know what I hate more? Not setting boundaries. I have begun a new relationship. She is wonderful, we are in love and so many of my needs are being met. It feels like this could be a secure relationship. Boundary setting …
I’ve been single for about a year, and have recently started dating someone new. It’s lovely and joyful and I’m happy. I’m pleased with how easy connection is, but I’m still as survivor with a home-built, diy sense of security and self-love, so I need some maintenance. I’ve been getting a lot in recent years …
So most of us who are survivors of childhood sexual assault have a ‘disorganized’ attachment style. This means that because the adults in our lives growing up were scary and abusive, we want to be close to others, but it scares us, so we might bolt or behave badly. Disorganized attachment is sometimes not even …
Love, actually – what I’ve learned in my quest to become securely attached Read More »
Today, my email sent me a notification about the post I posted yesterday. It included the full text, and my first thought was fear in case my ex read it. Not just because of her reaction, but also because I don’t want hurt her. She has some poor behaviour based in her own gunk, and …
I broke up with a partner recently. We were monogamous. It was awful. Not because we were monogamous, but because – hell I don’t really know, yet, I’m still numb and still and gummed up. I feel broken.
This is a huge topic. Here’s the short version for childhood sexual abuse survivors. When you had parents who severely abused or neglected you, it messes up your ability to be close to a romantic partner. Oh yay, another thing being a survivor has messed up, you say? Well, yes, but the good news is, …
The last time I posted here was December 2015. Wow. That’s a long time ago. A lot has happened. The woman I was dating when I last wrote was a terrible human being. I was completely wrong about her. I was in the initial honeymoon of dating a very self-centred person. As I was writing, …
I am whole I am holy I was born from pain, raised in pain but I overcame I deserve all the love this world can offer I deserve a beautiful life And I will live it I told her of my fears showed her all the things I was afraid would scare her off believing …
I had a comment just now asking for resources for partners. I am a survivor and have been involved with women who are survivors. I think that most of this will be applicable to partners of survivors of all genders. Partners will find these posts particularly useful: Car Crash – or what PTSD and complex …
Help for Partners of Childhood Sexual Assault Survivors Read More »
The story I wrote about in my last post, where I’d come out to a potential lover as having an injured vagina and she’d reacted in an odd way, has been puzzling me. What was it about that which was so triggering? I figured it out when I was trying to write her an …
Coming out as a survivor part 3 – Intimate Relationships with Bystanders and Civilians Read More »
In my previous post on this topic, I covered coming out to yourself, your therapist and your support or therapy community. The final two really difficult steps are coming out to friends and lovers (level one and two) and coming out to or confronting your family. The family piece might come before the friend piece, …
Coming Out as a Survivor Part 2 – Friends and Lovers Read More »
So last Saturday I saw my ex girlfriend (Kitten) and her new girlfriend at the bar. It was no big deal. For those who don’t know the back story, she was my partner for 5 months and we broke up mid September. She reminded me a lot of my father / abuser, thankfully not in …
Yesterday I did a ritual of blessing and letting go with one of my friends. We both practice the same religion but hadn’t done any ceremony together before. It was her idea to burn things we wanted to let go of before we go into the new year, and to eat a dinner of black …
I subscribe to the theory that what we are attracted to in a mate is often a reflection of both the ways we’ve learned to accept love as children and the unfinished business we have with people who were close to us as children. And of course, by ‘we’ I mean me.