The story of a woman waiting for her sociopath father to die so she can dance on his grave, and having a rich fulfilling life in the meanwhile.
I realize that reading a blog sometimes gets a bit disorienting, since facts referred to can be from earlier posts. Here’s an overview.
I survived sexual abuse from my father, beginning when I was about 5 years old and lasting till I was about 14, when a growing awareness that I might tell forced my father to move on, to whom I don’t know.
I was raped and strangled into unconsciousness, the first time at least. During the time of writing this blog, I discovered that my injuries had been such that my mother must have known. She has always claimed she knew nothing, which I’ve come to realize is impossible given the injuries I suffered.
For many years, all I had were memories of the attacks and the aftermath to prove to myself that it had all actually happened. More recently I have physical evidence. The evidence was there all along, written on my body.
My father was reported to the police when I was 21, over 20 years ago. They investigated and found enough evidence to charge him. I decided not to press charges because I felt that the price to me to obtain what tiny justice is meted out to abusers was too high. I have two brothers but am not sure if iether of them was abused directly, although both are of course affected by living in a home where abuse was present, whether they knew or not.
My family believes me, and my mother finally left my father several years ago now.
I am a woman now in her 50s, although I was in my 40s when I wrote much of the story here. I am smart, capable and successful in my job. I don’t have kids. I have been healing for 30 years, and I want to tell those of you new to healing the abuse that every minute has been worth it. Every minute I am better, stronger and more free, not just of the effects of the abuse, but of our cultures stupid and harmful values around children, parents and women, and more the woman the gods intend me to be.
I spend most of my time living my life now, rather than surviving it. Some things you don’t fully ‘get over’ and child sexual abuse is one of them. The battles I have fought in my life have made me a strong and powerful woman. People who think that one should forgive and forget are idiots. That would be a waste of hard won lessons and learnings, and would make what happened more meaningless to us than it already is.
I am still affected by post traumatic stress at times but in ways that are familiar to me and possible to manage. I have had a lot of very useful therapy and was a therapist myself for a time. My Pagan faith has been critical in my healing, as I know higher powers of various sorts have been to other survivors.
I am of varied cultural background, including Scottish, and am a religious Pagan of the feminist variety. I draw my strength from my heritage and my faith. From my Scottish heritage and Pagan spiritual beliefs, I have drawn on the practice of dancing a sword dance at the death of an enemy.
Since I will likely not be present at the death of my abuser, I plan to do this sword dance at his grave site. to banish him from my life, to ritually deny him the ancestor worship practised in my faith, and to celebrate my victory over him in outliving him. I celebrate my power and achievement in healing from what he did. Like the hero of a fairy tale, I have struck out on my own away from my abusive family, had adventures, undertaken sacred heroic tasks, gone into the monster’s lair and symbolically stolen the golden harp or silver sword that is the reward for bravery and perseverence. It is only fitting I honour a hero’s journey with a heros dance of exhaltation.
I also will dance to demonstrate the proper attitude to have toward child abusers and survivors, and the proper way to support survivors, by celebrating our courage, not with pity or condescension. We are all warriors and may we all live to dance on their graves. Since I began telling people I plan to do this dance, I’ve gotten a lot of support, and several people, including some relatives, have told me they are available to witness the dance.
My father/abuser is, sadly, still alive. He has had several bouts of life threatening illness, but he seems to be unbelievably hardy. He lives in Northern BC and the police are aware of him. However, time is on my side. I sometimes joke he is a vampire, since he’s so hard to kill, but I think it’s unlikely…
This blog began as a way for me to tell the whole truth, anonymously, about what was going on within me, something I was not able to do in my regular life that often. Since then, I’ve become a lot more open about my history and the strengths I have earned. I think this blog has been a big part of that. I’m comfortable speaking about what happened to me and what I have achieved, and to challenge the denial, minimization and blame that survivors are continually undermined and hurt by. I break silence about incest and the injustice imposed by the cultural restrictions on talking about it. We need to start talking more about the realities of being an incest survivor. We don’t deserve for our pain and courage to be hidden shamefully away – that just adds insult to injury. Incest survivors are some of the bravest people I know.
And I’m one of them.
It means a lot to me that others are reading what I write. Thank you for stopping by.
If you would like to read this blog in chronological order – I suggest going to the archives section of the sidebar and selecting the earliest posts or beginning with the very first one here. Then find and click on the ‘next post’ link at lower right.
View Comments
Thank you, thank you so much for keeping this blog current and sharing your story with readers. I'm in my 40s and it feels like i've been trying to heal from childhood sexual abuse / incest for over 25 years. Your website is like a deep, spiritual hug and reassurance that I can do this. My abuser, my father, died when I was in my 20s, which was quite fortunate but I haven't "danced on his grave" and I think that might be what I need. Can't thank you enough, and I wish you so much strength.
I am so happy to hear this. You made my day. I look forward to dancing on my father's grave. Please tell me how it goes. You have beaten him. You outlived him and he is dead. I'm so glad you are still alive. I wish you much strength too.
hello there SwordDanceWarrior,
thanks for sharing your story - I have read quite a bit but not everything yet - I truly hope you are are still doing fine. We just got marriage equality nationally here in Australia - long time coming but so many happy people now able to share their love with family and friends.
I am a victim of child abuse and have done no healing with any professionals so people like you help me enormously. Sorry, can't write any more - really get affected by bringing it up. Love to you xxx from Oz xx
Hi Vicki,
I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm glad you survived. If you aren't having therapy to help recover from your abuse because of money, you may find a 12 step program for survivors helpful. I started one in my home town when we didn't have them, and it ran for a long time after I no longer needed it. Other survivors understand, and it's helpful to have a place to talk and others beside you on your journey. It does get a lot better. Here is the information: http://www.siawso.org You might find that there is already a group in your town, or nearby. There are three groups listed in Australia, so maybe one is near you: http://www.siawso.org/page-7166
Love back at you. I'm glad you survived. May we dance on their graves.
SDW
Thank you, SDW. you dance on your father's; I'll piss on my grandfather's. The sad truth is that I could have done so 14 years, yet I'm still terrified of him. Hopefully EMDR next week starts breaking down walls.
Dan, please know that your wife loves you. How do I know this? You are the only person with whom she feels safe enough that she can actually express her rage. I've been doing this to my husband for two months now sine the night terrors returned. I kicked him out of the house two weeks ago and told him I wanted a divorce. He left but called the next morning asking if he could come home. Is it fair? Of course not. Is it understandable? Absolutely. I've continued to rage at him since because, frankly, I've turned that rage on myself for 35 years too long. Now, though, I try to give him the code word that I'm raging TOWARD him but not really AT him. Yes, I still scream terribly hurtful insults, but I'm making a concerted effort not to and have done it only once since. It was an every day ordeal for him. I love him all that much more for being my Sherpa and leading me through this.
I am a partner of a survivor and she is the world to me...However it has come to a point now in our relationship where I may have to leave. Not because I don't love her or want to be with her...but because I can't help her and the actions have hurt me to my core to many times now. I can't convince her that healing is a good idea and she can't see me for the man I am any longer. She wants to live in her shell and push others away by keeping herself and her things at arms lengths....Secrets are her native tongue.....and now it seems we may not be able to be with one another anymore. It kills me but I really don't know what else I can do. Your posts have been great to read and its so nice to know that you have gone through your own healing and have found happiness.
Hi Dan,
I wish I could say something helpful. This is what I've got.
It's so frustrating to be a partner of a survivor and not be able to fix it. It is so so frustrating. Survivors generally desperately need to figure out how to take control of our lives and reclaim our power, and at first this may mean rejecting help or rigidly controlling what help we can receive. It's also true that it's really hard for non-survivors to relate to what we are going through. Yes, she may be keeping secrets, but she may also not have all the information you think she is withholding. Traumatic amnesia is a weird thing, and extends to all kinds of information, feelings, facts, sensations, giving a person extremely spotty recall. If you stay in this relationship, I suggest trying not to take any of it personally, and especially not trying to help or fix. When you feel like you want or need to, I suggest instead being grounded, reminding yourself of every competent, brave or skilled thing you have seen her do and know about her, then add everything you love about her and silently send her love. She will figure it out, and she is the only one who can. If she asks for help, and you want to, then do what she asks, but don't take over.
It does get better. And it takes time. I am assuming you have read the guide for partners on this site?
Best of luck to you and your partner.
SDW
Hello there,
You have a really wonderful blog which has clearly inspired and provided strength to other survivors of sexual violence. I’m sorry if my comment seems out of place but I couldn’t find an option to message you privately. I am a postgraduate student from the UK and I am currently researching the role of blogging for survivors of sexual assault. I would really appreciate it if you could spare a couple of moments to contact me as I am interested in using your blog as part of my research, and would like to provide you with more information.
Thank you so much for your time. Have a great day and I wish you all the best in your journey to healing.
Lalita
I am so glad to have found your blog and another example of living life and thriving after surviving incest and other abuses. I have vaginal and perineum scaring and believed for decades that it was from "crotching" or falling hard in a straddle position on the balance beam, as I was a gymnast. This never felt right to me though, and I couldn't recall a fall like that from the beam. It wasn't until the night that all my illusions were shattered and the repressed memories of sexual abuse and assault came rushing back that I finally found the truth. You are a true warrior and I wish you the best. Keep on going!
You too, WCMC! I'm glad to meet you. Yes, I thought my vaginal pain was from recurrent yeast infections for years, until I found the scars and flesh tags. We are both warriors. :-)
Just the first 2 sentences and I knew that I liked you and your blog! I too am also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and am waiting for my dance upon his grave. If my mother doesn't change and divorce him, then it will be her grave as well! I can't wait to read more! I also love how honest and open you are. I really appreciate it.
http://survivingyesterday.wordpress.com/
I just found your blog and am in love already. On this very difficult evening, I will absorbing all the mercies that your writing and advocacy intends. I will also sit with the delight that I have found a new friend....
Wow I am 47 and have had 20 years of therapy too! I was raised a christian and although I still beleive in some form of God (he/she) I was sexually abused by my father and not protected by my mother who were both "Christians"! I am only now facing the truth and naming things. I am no longer going to stand up for my parents their actions are never forgivable! Of course my whole family who knows the truth are still standing up for my parents I guess my inner child work is pressing their pain buttons so they are all telling me to take more medication and shut up. I refuse to do that anymore. I am letting my original pain out now, it hurts but I am determined to do this and heal and live a full life of truth not a half life of lie. Well done for writing this blog. It has inspired me. Thankyou. May you dance on his grave and be released from him!
May you be released as well. Good for you for living the truth. Don't expect your parents to get it, they won't. I find living separately from them both and having no contact is really helpful. I'm glad I could be of help. May we outlive them all and dance on their graves. Nice to meet you.
SDW
Thank you for this whole blog. I am not a rape survivor but I've been through a lot of stuff too and in many ways have developed the same symptoms, learned the same lessons you have and feel the same way you do. I appreciate you saying that suggesting people to forgive and forget doesn't help anyone because it confirmed my belief that forced forgiveness is nothing but ignorance and denial. I think about this whole forgiveness issue a bit differently though. I don't think there is either right or wrong way of seeing it. It's more of a matter of who needs what. What's helpful to one may be destructive to someone else. I've never been able to forgive anyone who abused me but I was able to let go of some of them meaning that I didn't need their apology anymore and I was no longer overwhelmed by anger and pain. I just felt at some point that the unfinished business I had with them was finished, but I remembered everything and still do and always will for the rest of my life. I haven't been able to let go of some other experiences in the same way but I hope I will at some point. I am not worried about it though and I am not trying to force myself to let go. I am fine with whatever I am feeling, no matter what it is: hate, pain, sadness, shame, self-blame..anything. I just let all my feelings be and try to process them in whatever way I can: writing, talking to somebody, reading, watching movies, drawing..you name it. I know that what needs to be released, will get released at its own time. Again, I am just talking about my own experience and am in no way suggesting that it should be everyone else's experience. I'm sure if I were a rape survivor, I'd feel differently and I'd need different things to heal. Everyone has their own experience and everyone heals in their own way. In some ways, different people's paths may be similar, in other ways, each person's path is unique.
I feel very similarly. By accepting the truth of what happened and the impact, I reach peace with it. You might find this post interesting, as it says something similar.
You're welcome.
SDW