Texts and family reunions
I heard back from my mother on my birthday a little while ago. She wished me a happy birthday, in a brief text message. I was not happy. I have not replied.
mothers who stay with child abusers
Reframing mother’s day for incest survivors
I am going to celebrate Mother’s day tomorrow, in honour of my inner mother – the part of myself that nurtures and cares for all of me, and in honour of Mother Earth. My two mothers, Mother Earth and my inner self-mother love, nurture, feed and protect me every day. To all my incest survivor peeps, …
Another disappointing response from a relative
I had my aunt visit recently, the one who was also assaulted by my father. When I visited her a couple of years ago, she was very accepting of what I had to say and even offered to put some pressure on my mom to write me a letter. After visiting me she visited my …
No Letter
My wife nailed it. She said “there isn’t going to be a letter, she didn’t get what she wanted.” According to my aunt, my mom has allegedly written a letter in response to the one I wrote her a few years ago. That letter I wrote 3 years ago is of course out of date, …
‘Mother’s day’ song for mother complicit in child abuse
I did end up writing a song,. about the hypocrisy of my mother expecting me to celebrate mother’s day, to give her her motherly due, when she was an accessory after the fact to me being raped and seriously wounded as a child by my father and then lied to me about it. The recording …
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Rape dreams and release
So I had ‘fending off rape dreams’ this morning, three consecutive ones. Not a big surprise, given how angry I’ve been lately. I tend to have ‘monsters/men are hurting me’ dreams when I’m angry. In my dreams I was successful at fighting the men off and not so successful at getting the police involved. My …
PTSD Spaciness triggered waiting for letter from mom
So I’ve been extra spacey lately since the news about the impending letter from my mom replying to the one I sent her three years ago. It’s not like I really notice the spaci-ness myself much, but my wife has noticed and pointed out a few things. This morning I forgot to feed my beloved dog, and …
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Visit with older brother – is the abuser dead yet?
My older brother called me on the weekend and we got together to watch his kid play in a sporting event. All in all it went well. He made an effort to connect, I brought my wife, and we were on his home turf in a way (watching his kid play) so he felt comfortable …
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Letter from mom on it’s way…
My mom’s sister (who I like) called me this weekend to let me know that my mom has finally written a reply to my letter sent almost three years ago with, apparently, answers to my questions. The catch is, she feels it’s too private to send by mail (?) and would like to know how I want …
Eureka – take that, vulvadynia!
Okay, I seem to have it figured out. The yoga is great, but I found something even better. Just becoming aware of how often I clench the muscles of my sore, rape-injured body was a big first step. Now I’m learning to train my body not to do it. It helps that it doesn’t hurt …
What I learned about night fears and sexual abuse survivors
In this post, I wanted to share what I’ve learned about night fears resulting from sexual assaults as a child and how to reduce them. I started out with night fears which were more of the usual type. I had a real sociopathic perpetrator, in my house, with real access to me, and I was …
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Some Christmas gifts are not worth the price
As a pagan, I don’t celebrate the birth of a god/saint/martyr from another religion as such. However I grew up celebrating Christmas, and all of my family does. It is a time of year when we all pretend for a few days, and gift giving, albeit with strings attached is a big part of that. …
Honour is what you know to be true about yourself
It’s one in the morning, and I can’t sleep. I’m regretting the bar of chocolate I ate at the movie, whose caffeine might be what is keeping me awake. Mydog is ecstatic to be on my lap rather than in her bed beside our bed, but is interfering with my typing, as seems to be …
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Hangover
Today was the first day alone I’ve had since I got back from my trip to see my relatives. My house is a mess, something that if I don’t deal with soon, will probably put me at odds with my wife. I spent most of the day in bed reading, broken up but largely context-less …
Visiting Family
Well, I went back east for a week to visit my moms siblings, my dad / abuser’s sister and a bunch of cousins and second cousins. It went very well, and I got a lot of loving supportive connection and reconnection and lots of validating and useful information. I’ve been researching sociopaths lately and am …
Family Reunion
Don’t panic, it’s not MY family, it’s my wife’s. However, in the wake of my mother’s stalker-like note, I’m a bit twitchy about family. I normally like my wife’s family, they’re religious (in that gay-hating, women oppressing way, not the good way) but we stay away from that and they don’t tell us we’re going …
Hand-delivered note from mom
I went out my front door and found the following note stuffed into my mailbox, hanging out. I recognized my mom’s handwriting at once. Here’s what it said: “July 9, 2010 Hi [SDW] & [Wife], A long time has passed. Maybe we could meet for “coffee” tea” soon. Love Mom” and then on a separate …
Post therapy
Well, it’s been a couple of weeks now since my last therapy session I think. I’m choosing to spend time on the present day goals I have, improving my singing, finishing the book I’m writing, getting my physical health in better order, having fun. I’m feeling a bit isolated. Father’s day was hard this year, …