How to heal from childhood sexual assault. Written by a survivor, for survivors. It gets better. Every day.
So most of us who are survivors of childhood sexual assault have a ‘disorganized’ attachment style. This means that because the adults in our lives growing up were scary and abusive, we want to be close to others, but it scares us, so we might bolt or behave badly. Disorganized attachment is sometimes not even …
Love, actually – what I’ve learned in my quest to become securely attached Read More »
This is a huge topic. Here’s the short version for childhood sexual abuse survivors. When you had parents who severely abused or neglected you, it messes up your ability to be close to a romantic partner. Oh yay, another thing being a survivor has messed up, you say? Well, yes, but the good news is, …
The story I wrote about in my last post, where I’d come out to a potential lover as having an injured vagina and she’d reacted in an odd way, has been puzzling me. What was it about that which was so triggering? I figured it out when I was trying to write her an …
Coming out as a survivor part 3 – Intimate Relationships with Bystanders and Civilians Read More »
In my previous post on this topic, I covered coming out to yourself, your therapist and your support or therapy community. The final two really difficult steps are coming out to friends and lovers (level one and two) and coming out to or confronting your family. The family piece might come before the friend piece, …
Coming Out as a Survivor Part 2 – Friends and Lovers Read More »
I’m trying to write a chapter on coming out as an incest or child sexual assault survivor for the book. There are a lot of reasons to come out, and a lot of reasons not to. I’m not going to say one is always better than the other. You need to decide for yourself what …
What I’ve learned about coming out as an incest survivor (part 1) Read More »
Tonight is Christmas Eve. I am grateful to be spending it with my spouse and my dog, in a warm, safe house full of light and love. I am happy. I’d like to share some holiday coping tips and recommendations as I’ve learned them over the past 20+ years for myself and from other survivors …
My neck has been particularly seized up since I found out about the appointment with the gynecologist. Coincidence? Not likely. Since the assault that caused the tearing in my vagina also caused a neck injury, the two are definitely linked. I believe in the saying “trust in God(s) but tie your camel”, which means to …
One of the problems with having been in a chronic state of fear and anxiety for years and years while surviving the abuse, and then while healing from it, is that the cortisol levels in the blood get really high. High cortisol levels make it almost impossible to lose weight, and are linked to all …
Managing Cortisol Levels for People with Complex PTSD Read More »
Remember when I wrote that I’d read that vulvadynia was related to constriction of blood flow in the pelvis? That makes sense to me as a survivor and I’ve been paying attention since I read it. I realize that I have habit of clenching this part of my body, particularly when I’m feeling pain, and …
Goddess bless yoga – self care for survivors with vaginal injury Read More »
Unlike my other posts, this isn’t written for survivors, but for their partners. Okay, I lied, it’s really written for survivors to give to their partners, and has both answers to frequently asked questions and some helpful tips. I’m mixing up the pronouns here, because a lot of this applies to both women and men, …
This post is in response to the idea that some people have about the causes of people falling in love with someone of the same sex. Many of you will be familiar with the false ‘theory’ that is ‘false memory syndrome’ made up by child molesters to discredit child sexual assault survivors who disclose abuse …
This won’t make much sense to non-Trekkies. In the Star Trek Series of TV shows, particularly ‘Deep Space Nine’, there is a species called Ferrengi, who are avaricious and focussed on accumulating wealth. Their central philosophy is rooted in the ‘Rules of Acquisition‘ . I was struck by a unique application of rule #3 in …
What Quark the Ferrengi taught me about coping mechanisms and PTSD Read More »
One of the most difficult things about suviving childhood sexual assault is coping with the fragmented and taboo nature of our memories. This breaks down into four main issues: Memories of trauma are different from regular memories. Memories of childhood trauma are different from regular trauma memories. Memories of childhood sexual assault are different from …
Memories of childhood sexual assault – why are they different? how can we trust them? Read More »
My adult spirituality developed in first or second year university. I was taking a philosophy of religion course, up to my neck in flashbacks and attending 12 step meetings of Adult Children of Alcoholics. The Courage to Heal and ‘You can heal your life’ were my lifelines. In the 12 step meetings I went to, …
What I learned about faith and child sexual abuse Read More »
Here’s what I have learned in 25 years of healing, about the topic of forgiveness as relates to survivors of childhood sexual assault by a family member or other sexual predator. 1) People who rape kids are outside the range of what forgiveness cultural practices were designed for. People who haven’t survived childhood sexual abuse …
What I learned about child sexual abuse and forgiveness. Read More »
Feel whatever is there in a safe place The first time I remember not being anxious was after a 12 step meeting. My shoulders were relaxed. This had never happened before, I was certain. It was after an adult children of alcoholics meeting. I found 12 step meetings really helpful in my early recovery, because …
What I learned about anxiety – for child sexual abuse survivors Read More »
I am a student of happiness right now. It started when I realized that I wasn’t actually happy. Nothing bad going on particularly, but not happy. That has changed. Then I came across this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4Qm9cGRub0 and something in it clicked for me, about how I need to let people see me, people in my regular …
Here’s a post from a place where I don’t feel like I’ve gotten a handle on all of the post-traumatic symptoms, although I have come a long way. Stages of my sexual life as a survivor: 1) Teenage – not going ‘all the way’ and enjoying all the sexual play leading up to intercourse. Being …
What I learned about child sexual abuse survivors and sex and relationships Read More »