[about the image – no it’s not me, but I am pissed off no one told me what I needed to know about Lichen Sclerosis and let it get this bad. There aren’t a lot of triggers in this post, except one brief mention of a sexual injury having occurred. ] So a few years …
So I had ‘fending off rape dreams’ this morning, three consecutive ones. Not a big surprise, given how angry I’ve been lately. I tend to have ‘monsters/men are hurting me’ dreams when I’m angry. In my dreams I was successful at fighting the men off and not so successful at getting the police involved. My …
My older brother called me on the weekend and we got together to watch his kid play in a sporting event. All in all it went well. He made an effort to connect, I brought my wife, and we were on his home turf in a way (watching his kid play) so he felt comfortable …
Visit with older brother – is the abuser dead yet? Read More »
Predictably, I felt vulnerable and emotional most of the week, after even a simple, tiny amount of compassionate work on my strangulation-surviving neck. It felt like pms. I cried easily and felt fragile, distracted and touchy. Makes me wonder if I really want to get into this right now… Although I know there’s no time …
I had an interesting experience having a massage today. I had a sore hip due to what my chiropractor says is a tight ‘IT band’. The massage therapist was doing various things to loosen this and I was asking her what might have caused it to get so tight. Between the two of us we figured …
This weeks post is a result of re-reading some an old comment I made on a website about childbirthing when you are a survivor. I’ve never birthed or raised a child, and don’t plan to. When I was younger, I had a strong aversion to the tearing that always happens during childbirth. I had some …
Sociopathy is inherited – choosing not to have children Read More »
Okay, I seem to have it figured out. The yoga is great, but I found something even better. Just becoming aware of how often I clench the muscles of my sore, rape-injured body was a big first step. Now I’m learning to train my body not to do it. It helps that it doesn’t hurt …
In my meditation walk, I suddenly had a flash that my new motto was “Free your vulva and the rest will follow”.
One of the most difficult things about suviving childhood sexual assault is coping with the fragmented and taboo nature of our memories. This breaks down into four main issues: Memories of trauma are different from regular memories. Memories of childhood trauma are different from regular trauma memories. Memories of childhood sexual assault are different from …
Memories of childhood sexual assault – why are they different? how can we trust them? Read More »
Here’s a post from a place where I don’t feel like I’ve gotten a handle on all of the post-traumatic symptoms, although I have come a long way. Stages of my sexual life as a survivor: 1) Teenage – not going ‘all the way’ and enjoying all the sexual play leading up to intercourse. Being …
What I learned about child sexual abuse survivors and sex and relationships Read More »
I thought I’d write a bit about some of the healing things I’ve learned in 22 years of clawing back the effects of being raped as a child from my life. One of the first and probably most important things I started working on was reclaiming a sense of being in my body. <possible religious …
What I Learned about Grounding and Sexual Abuse Survivors Read More »
He really did rape me. He really did. He really did rape me. Over and over that’s all I think, suddenly. I say it out loud, to feel my own reaction ot my words, I am sobbing as I say it. I’m reading a book by an author that is hitting the nail on the …
Well, it’s been a couple of weeks now since my last therapy session I think. I’m choosing to spend time on the present day goals I have, improving my singing, finishing the book I’m writing, getting my physical health in better order, having fun. I’m feeling a bit isolated. Father’s day was hard this year, …
I just had an hour long massage at a spa. Steam room, cucumber water, soft music, the whole bit. I decided to spend the money I’d been spending on therapy on something body/soul nurturing, and this and the singing lessons are it. I even spent a little time meditating in the quiet, pleasant waiting area. …
I got my wife to take a picture of my vulva so I could see what I’m dealing with. A mirror is quite an awkward way to see one’s vulva if you’ve ever tried it. It was easier at the nurse’s office, but she had a magnifying mirror I think and a good light and …
You know, it’s weird. In the aftermath of finding confirmation my vagina had been injured by the rapes, it’s actually empowered me to do something about the physical discomfort I’ve had on and off for a long time. It’s quite different to look at the pain as discomfort coming from an injury, than to think …
Vulvodynia is a medical term for having persistent pain in your vulva that isn’t explained by the usual causes. You know what is so wierd? I just had gotten so used to the burning, itching and periodic pain, that I thought it was relatively normal. I’d gotten used to having to have sex in very …
I’ve been getting rolfing sessions lately. I’ve had two. It’s a bodywork method that is about restoring the connective tissue to balance, to release physical stuff held in the body. It was most likely in no way designed for work with survivors, more like held tension or sports injuries, really. Anyhow, I thought “held things …