Walking to a friend’s house today, it occurred to me what I want from my father before he dies. Even better, I think I can get it.
I want a signed confession. I want him to sign a paper, witnessed and legal, that says that he sexually abused his daughter.
Here’s why I think I can get it:
- First of all, he’s dying, so a confession can’t hurt him.
- Secondly, the statute of limitations for his abuse has long since passed, so a confession can’t hurt him.
- Thirdly, he’s dying, so even if I sue his estate for money, I’d essentially be suing my mother, not him.
- Fourthly, we can even put it in the care of a lawyer with me not getting it till he dies, if he wants to.
- Lastly, there’s no one he’d care about knowing who hasn’t already known for years.
What good would it do me to have this paper?
Well, first and not actually most importantly, surprizingly enough, I’d have a talisman against my own denial. If my father himself admits he did it, I never need to doubt myself again.
Secondly and more importantly, if I want to do activism around incest (and I think I do), I’d then be able to be described as “myname, incest survivor” as opposed to “myname, who alleges her father sexually abused her”, or even “sorry we can’t report on that since it hasn’t been proven in court that he did it” , which would make things a lot easier.
Lastly, it helps with the unquiet ghost thing somehow. He will have confessed, and can go into death at least being honest about that.
Now, I may be unrealistic here, but I figure, the idea came to me for a reason, and I will try.
I’ll tell him “I want this from you so I can work to stop it happening to any other little girls. It doesn’t cost you anything. You owe me this.”