A Signed Confession

Walking to a friend’s house today, it occurred to me what I want from my father before he dies. Even better, I think I can get it.

I want a signed confession. I want him to sign a paper, witnessed and legal, that says that he sexually abused his daughter.

Here’s why I think I can get it:

  • First of all, he’s dying, so a confession can’t hurt him.
  • Secondly, the statute of limitations for his abuse has long since passed, so a confession can’t hurt him.
  • Thirdly, he’s dying, so even if I sue his estate for money, I’d essentially be suing my mother, not him.
  • Fourthly, we can even put it in the care of a lawyer with me not getting it till he dies, if he wants to.
  • Lastly, there’s no one he’d care about knowing who hasn’t already known for years.

What good would it do me to have this paper?

Well, first and not actually most importantly, surprizingly enough, I’d have  a talisman against my own denial. If my father himself admits he did it, I never need to doubt myself again.

Secondly and more importantly, if I want to do activism around incest (and I think I do), I’d then be able to be described as “myname, incest survivor” as opposed to “myname, who alleges her father sexually abused her”, or even “sorry we can’t report on that since it hasn’t been proven in court that he did it” , which would make things a lot easier.

Lastly, it helps with the unquiet ghost thing somehow. He will have confessed, and can go into death at least being honest about that.

Now, I may be unrealistic here, but I figure, the idea came to me for a reason,  and I will try.

I’ll tell him “I want this from you so I can work to stop it happening to any other little girls. It doesn’t cost you anything. You owe me this.”

6 thoughts on “A Signed Confession”

  1. I understand your anger and I agree that you need to do what you need to do for your own personal healing…each person is different. This is probably really going to piss you off but I promise you that until you forgive and let go of your anger, you will not be able to truly heal. I was once where you were and if somebody told me that, I would say fuck off. I used to think for hours of what to do to permanently maim my dads privates, suing him, make him suffer like he made me suffer…it became so dissatisfying because he could never hurt like me…he went about his own life while I was the victim over & over & over again…I got really sick of cutting myself and obsessing with death while he ran off with my innocence. Im no longer on medications and mentally ill because I forgave him. You will come to that place when you’re ready though. Just dont let that bastard steal the rest of your life away.

    1. sworddancewarrior

      I’ve been healing for 20 years. I’m long past the rage you describe. I think you misunderstand – I’m doing this because it has spiritual importance to me, not because I’m keen for revenge. I’m announcing to the universe that I am healed, I have won, I celebrate victory and that I am a fierce warrior who will speak truth to power. I get what you’re saying, and if I was still trying to engage with him, fight with him, I’d agree with you. I am not fighting him any more – I’ve won. This is about expanding and empowering who *I* am, not about him.

  2. Well, as a survivor myself of sexual abuse by my dad, I can tell you that I dont give two sh!ts whether people believe me or not…its your story, your survival, and your pain and NO ONE can take that away from you. Im so tired of secrets…you didnt do anythihg wrong….On another note, you have to eventually forgive him and everyone else who has hurt you or you’ll just be the victim over & over & over again. I wouldnt say all this if I hadnt gone through it first hand. Sorry if that all sounds a bit blunt….I do that alot

    1. sworddancewarrior

      I agree that I didn’t do anything wrong, and that it’s best not to give a damn whether people believe, since people don’t always understand. I don’t agree with you about forgiveness though. It may be necessary for you, but it’s not for me. I have accepted what happened and it’s impact on me, and also what I need to do for myself to take responsibililty. That’s not only enough, it’s right for me. I prefer to make my peace with what happened by looking after my own healing, by speaking my truth and by holding people accountable for their actions.

  3. I think the worst part of surviving the sex abuse is the fact that everyone else acts like the survivor is a liar by using the word “alleged”.

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