Running out of steam

I seem to have run out of steam.

My therapist is out of town and I accidentally missed last weeks appointment so I have no-one to debrief the yucky images that came up last time I had sex. I find myself not even really remembering them, which I don’t know how I feel about. I do sometimes have intrusive images that aren’t related to actual abuse, like when I replay images from scary movies in my head involuntarily.

My wife just doesn’t get it. Does anyone have a relationship with a non-survivor they think actually gets it? Over time, I’ve trained her to hug me and stroke my hair when I cry, but I’d really like to feel understood and valued.

I pre-paid for a bunch of acupuncture treatments. I’ve got about 8 left. I’d like to have them use them to treat my anxiety, but I don’t know how to ask. I mean I don’t have any classic anxiety disorder symptoms, and I don’t want to get into the child sexual abuse stuff. I’m just not sure how to ask for what I want without feeling hopelessly embarrassed, especially given the language difficulty (The two acupuncturists/TCM doctors speak English less than fluently.).

I’m not practising the guitar, or singing. I slept in till noon today. I’ve been stress eating enough that I’ve gained a pound, which is no big deal, but still a bit disheartening.

I don’t think I’m actually depressed, just a little anxious and frayed. Worn out by all the intensity lately, which, as I write this I’m thinking is probably normal and fine.

I feel like I need to stop. Just stop and nourish myself till I feel full. Hopefully I’ll figure out how to do that.

The train has stopped.

0 thoughts on “Running out of steam”

  1. Pingback: What I learned about health care and survivors (part 1) | May We Dance Upon Their Graves

  2. I totally get that it can be disconcerting to forget things you remembered / experienced. I find that this often happens when I first re-remember memories and that eventually I usually get to a point where I remember them all the time. But sometimes it takes a while. I try to use my therapist and writing to keep track of what I remember when but that doesn’t always work. I guess I also try to trust that there are reasons I forget and re-remember even if I don’t understand them.

    I can also totally relate to having a partner who is a non-survivor and just doesn’t get it even though (in my case at least) she seemed to want to get it.

    Nourishing yourself sounds like a great idea. Sounds like you already have some ideas about how to do that as well. Slowing down physically can help slow down your head, and from reading what you write I’ll bet you know how to nourish yourself physically and spiritually and mentally etc.

    As for the acupuncture stuff, I recommend just going for it. You will probably feel embarrassed even if the acupuncture people completely get what you are asking for but that’s okay – it’s so important to ask for what you need and it sounds like you know you will benefit from it. As for the English issue, maybe saying something like “I have a lot of stress / anxiety / worry in my body that I would like to work on” would be simple enough? Just having a list of words you can use to describe what you mean so that if they don’t understand one you can go on to the next.

    Thanks for sharing. Take care.

  3. Hi SwordDanceWarrior,

    It is hard after flashbacks, especially new stuff, especially during sex, especially with no therapist appointment to talk about it with.

    I sometimes blank out new memories as well. I try to write about them, and that at least is a record of it, to refer to later. Sometimes I just need to let it go again.

    You are dealing with a lot. Some nourishing sounds like a good idea.

    Good and healing thoughts to you.


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