Yesterday, I was in my therapy appointment telling my therapist how happy I was about how confident and strong I’d felt at the conference over the weekend.
But really, I’m not paying her to listen to me be happy. So I ended up talking about my older brother, how we’ve been sort of estranged for about ten years, and how I’d like to talk to him about our dad dying and find out what he remembers about the first house we lived in.
My older brother was once the only good relative I had. All those 14 years of being apart from my family, he and his wife were my family. We spent Christmas together, I was one of only two guests at their wedding. He met my wife for the first time on our wedding day, after we’d been together 6 years. He didn’t meet the woman I was with before that, and I was with her for almost 3 years. But in between, when I was single, he was willing to see me. I flat out accused him of being homophobic, and he denies it, and I suspect its something more complicated anyhow.
I feel grief that he doesn’t seem to value me or want to see me anymore. Me healing and being a survivor freaked him out at first, but he got over it, me being gay didn’t seem to freak him out as long as I was single. Then I came out as pagan. It’s like the combination of coming out as survivor and lesbian and pagan did him in and he just doesn’t trust me. I tell myself that he’s afraid of his own feelings and injuries that I put him in touch with, but really my hero older brother is gone. He’s cold and critical and distant now that I’m no longer a helpless mess of a younger sister. It’s like he’s afraid of me. And so I became sad. Was it right to go into those feelings at a time I felt good?
There’s this Buddhist thing about just being where you are and how you are. I expect that’s the way to go. There’s always a choice, though. Do I practice guitar and code sheet music for the choral piece I want to get ready, or do I watch TV all night? Do I force myself to keep working hard on days I don’t feel like it, or realize I’m still probably a bit wiped from the weekend and take it easy?
Be where you are, but I can often choose where to be. Sitting here wondering where to focus my attention, I solve my own problem. Just be where you are. Grounded. Feel the rain on your skin.