I did end up writing a song,. about the hypocrisy of my mother expecting me to celebrate mother’s day, to give her her motherly due, when she was an accessory after the fact to me being raped and seriously wounded as a child by my father and then lied to me about it. The recording […]
‘Mother’s day’ song for mother complicit in child abuse Read More »
I was left a very thoughtful comment today in response to my post about why I’m not going to have children because my father is a sociopath. In Balbrouchan’s comment, which you can read here, she brings up some good issues. The first is that socipathy isn’t 100% inheritable, since she and I are not
So I had ‘fending off rape dreams’ this morning, three consecutive ones. Not a big surprise, given how angry I’ve been lately. I tend to have ‘monsters/men are hurting me’ dreams when I’m angry. In my dreams I was successful at fighting the men off and not so successful at getting the police involved. My
Rape dreams and release Read More »
So I’ve been extra spacey lately since the news about the impending letter from my mom replying to the one I sent her three years ago. It’s not like I really notice the spaci-ness myself much, but my wife has noticed and pointed out a few things. This morning I forgot to feed my beloved dog, and
PTSD Spaciness triggered waiting for letter from mom Read More »
My older brother called me on the weekend and we got together to watch his kid play in a sporting event. All in all it went well. He made an effort to connect, I brought my wife, and we were on his home turf in a way (watching his kid play) so he felt comfortable
Visit with older brother – is the abuser dead yet? Read More »
My mom’s sister (who I like) called me this weekend to let me know that my mom has finally written a reply to my letter sent almost three years ago with, apparently, answers to my questions. The catch is, she feels it’s too private to send by mail (?) and would like to know how I want
Letter from mom on it’s way… Read More »
Predictably, I felt vulnerable and emotional most of the week, after even a simple, tiny amount of compassionate work on my strangulation-surviving neck. It felt like pms. I cried easily and felt fragile, distracted and touchy. Makes me wonder if I really want to get into this right now… Although I know there’s no time
Survivor reaction after massage Read More »
I had an interesting experience having a massage today. I had a sore hip due to what my chiropractor says is a tight ‘IT band’. The massage therapist was doing various things to loosen this and I was asking her what might have caused it to get so tight. Between the two of us we figured
This weeks post is a result of re-reading some an old comment I made on a website about childbirthing when you are a survivor. I’ve never birthed or raised a child, and don’t plan to. When I was younger, I had a strong aversion to the tearing that always happens during childbirth. I had some
Sociopathy is inherited – choosing not to have children Read More »
This is a rant about Father’s day. I know most of you reading are survivors, so you probably get where I’m coming from. I’m ranting here so I don’t do it on facebook, where many of my friends and in-laws are gushing about their good fathers living or dead. Yes, I know a lot of
Father’s Day is not a happy holiday for Incest Survivors Read More »
Today I took the day off work (my hours are flexible) to have a ‘creativity day’. I had intended to practice my singing repertoire for my voice lesson tomorrow. I by early afternoon I hadn’t got to it yet, and couldn’t seem to. Finally I resorted to my journal. It turns out my inner child
semi-multiple identity moments Read More »
Dear Teachers, I know some of you remember me. I was gifted and quiet, well behaved, used big words solemnly, like the bookworm I was and still am. When I first came to school at the age of 5, I cried easily, so much so that I earned a reputation as a crybaby. I don’t
Dear teachers (who saved my life) Read More »
Hey folks. I know I haven’t been writing here much lately. I’m working on my book a bit, it’s coming along nicely, actually. I got a bit of a boost from a reader here who commented with support for my writing (thanks!) and got going on it. Also, I haven’t had anything sworddancerly to report.
I am open, and I am willing Read More »
I’m fine. All is well. There’s no drama, generally or abuse wise, in my life. Except, I feel edgy and menstrual, which in itself is probably the cause of the edgy. I have a performance this Friday. I’m not looking forward to it. I’d like to be better prepared, but feel like I’d be wimping
Bailing vs Being Self Protective, a case study… Read More »
Okay, I seem to have it figured out. The yoga is great, but I found something even better. Just becoming aware of how often I clench the muscles of my sore, rape-injured body was a big first step. Now I’m learning to train my body not to do it. It helps that it doesn’t hurt
Eureka – take that, vulvadynia! Read More »
Remember when I wrote that I’d read that vulvadynia was related to constriction of blood flow in the pelvis? That makes sense to me as a survivor and I’ve been paying attention since I read it. I realize that I have habit of clenching this part of my body, particularly when I’m feeling pain, and
Goddess bless yoga – self care for survivors with vaginal injury Read More »
My vulva has been very sore the last several days. Over the years I’ve made several attempts to try and figure out what is wrong and fix it. As you may know, I was raped repeatedly as a small child, and my vagina/vulva was injured. From the scars and my memories of the pain, I’d
I just finished bringing my father / abuser’s file to the attention of the RCMP in connection with some murders of young women that have been happening in and around my home town during the time my family has lived there. I used an online tip form, because it seemed a lot easier to write