Family members of incest survivors come in three main types: abusers, accomplices/condoners, and bystanders. Bystanders are the most possible to have an adult relationship with but will have some denial, minimization and blame to get in the way. The other two categories are basically a lost cause. There is a fourth type of course, other survivors within the family. This isn’t my experience, or at least not that my brothers have acknowledged, so I haven’t written about that. Posts are sorted with the most recent ones first, so if you prefer to read chronologically, you can go to the archives section at right.
Here’s what I have learned in 25 years of healing, about the topic of forgiveness as relates to survivors of childhood sexual assault by a family member or other sexual predator. 1) People who rape kids are outside the range of what forgiveness cultural practices were designed for. People who haven’t survived childhood sexual abuse […]
What I learned about child sexual abuse and forgiveness. Read More »
As a pagan, I don’t celebrate the birth of a god/saint/martyr from another religion as such. However I grew up celebrating Christmas, and all of my family does. It is a time of year when we all pretend for a few days, and gift giving, albeit with strings attached is a big part of that.
Some Christmas gifts are not worth the price Read More »
[Note: Since I first wrote this, this piece has gotten a lot of attention for being a really good way to explain to people in your life what it’s like to have PTSD and Complex PTSD in particular and why there aren’t any quick fixes. I hope it’s helpful for you and your loved ones.]
Car Crash – or what PTSD is like – novel Read More »
Today was the first day alone I’ve had since I got back from my trip to see my relatives. My house is a mess, something that if I don’t deal with soon, will probably put me at odds with my wife. I spent most of the day in bed reading, broken up but largely context-less
Well, I went back east for a week to visit my moms siblings, my dad / abuser’s sister and a bunch of cousins and second cousins. It went very well, and I got a lot of loving supportive connection and reconnection and lots of validating and useful information. I’ve been researching sociopaths lately and am
Don’t panic, it’s not MY family, it’s my wife’s. However, in the wake of my mother’s stalker-like note, I’m a bit twitchy about family. I normally like my wife’s family, they’re religious (in that gay-hating, women oppressing way, not the good way) but we stay away from that and they don’t tell us we’re going
I went out my front door and found the following note stuffed into my mailbox, hanging out. I recognized my mom’s handwriting at once. Here’s what it said: “July 9, 2010 Hi [SDW] & [Wife], A long time has passed. Maybe we could meet for “coffee” tea” soon. Love Mom” and then on a separate
Hand-delivered note from mom Read More »
When I was 7 we moved to the second house. The dog who died in the first house was replaced near the end of our time there with two black lab puppies. What were my parents thinking? Amos was a high strung hyper dog, and Andy was more placid. My father was training them as
I was told that it was good to tell your survivor story from beginning to end, as part of integrating it and setting it to rest. Part of the problem with that is that I have some gaps and some memories that are still in dissociated states, but I’ll try. I’m going to ‘bold’ the
Linear time – Age 1-7 Read More »
I’ve been getting rolfing sessions lately. I’ve had two. It’s a bodywork method that is about restoring the connective tissue to balance, to release physical stuff held in the body. It was most likely in no way designed for work with survivors, more like held tension or sports injuries, really. Anyhow, I thought “held things
So I did end up talking to a lawyer about my father and the scar tissue last night, but not in the way I expected. I asked a friend of mine, who is a lawyer about how I might go about finding a suitable lawyer. She asked what about and we got into it. She
Talking to a lawyer Read More »
I’m thinking about scaling back my therapy schedule from once every two weeks to once a month. It’s been over a year now since I found out my father/abuser had a severe cancer recurrence, and apparently he’s once again dodging the bullet. Apparently even the afterlife doesn’t want anything to do with him. Why prepare
Getting ready to fight Read More »
I’m having a rough time. Losing my older brother has really sent me into grief. First my mother hasn’t responded to my letter in over a year, and now my brother seems to have written me off. My wife and I sent off our ‘solstice letter’ to a bunch of people with Christmas cards, mostly
I haven’t been on this blog much lately because I was writing my novel. I did it! I finished 50,000 words in one month. Yay for me. I took a break from the singing practice during novel writing month and hope to come back. [Abuse triggers] Lately the big issue for me is strangulation. I’ve
Body Memories of Strangulation Read More »
Ah, that stuff they I read about family systems work is right. When you try and change a long-standing pattern, people freak out on you to try and get you to change back. The deal is that you’re supposed to respond in a low key manner. I wrote the follow-up email to my older brother,
Big fight with brother Read More »
Why is it I can get so much done at work on a computer and the rest of my time I don’t live my life as exuberantly and richly as I want to? It is almost a year since I found out my dad had been in the hospital with a cancer recurrence for
Anger is not my strong suit. And since my body stores my anger, the only way to keep the anger in my body is to hold my body still. Today, I am angry. I got sidetracked into writing letters to relatives, which brings me more into my head than my body, but needs doing as
I’ve just finished reading “Predators, paedophiles, rapists, and other sex offenders: Who they are, how they operate, and how we can protect ouraelves and our children” by Anna Salter, PhD.. This is not a book to read lightly, as it has quotes from abusers that can be pretty disturbing. However, I wanted to understand my